Triple J's Hottest 100 of all time

This is an actual conversation I heard on Triple J during the Hottest 100 of all time countdown:


RICHARD KINGSMILLE: It’s amazing. Jeff Buckley only released one album during his lifetime, yet he’s managed to have three songs in the Hottest 100. And two of those songs even made the top ten.

ZAN ROWE: Oh, yes Richard. It is pretty amazing. But what an amazing man he was. He was so beautiful.

KINGSMILLE: Yes. So beautiful. I remember the first time I heard Last Goodbye. I was standing in my kitchen and the song was so electrifying I stripped naked, poured yoghurt all over my body and did the funky chicken dance.

ROWE: That’s nothing. The first time I heard Last Goodbye I constructed a make-shift alter next to my bed and bowed down and worshipped the Almighty Buckley.

KINGSMILLE: We have somebody on the line who also shares a special love for the holy one.

RANDOM CALLER: Hi guys. Like most Triple J listeners, I absolutely love Jeff Buckley. In fact, I’m planning to travel to his gravesite, exhume his remains, and make passionate love to his decaying form. It’s been my life-long dream.

ROWE: Wow! That sounds lovely. Can I join?

KINGSMILLE: Yeah, me too. I want some Buckley corpse-love as well.

ROWE: Ooh, ooh, I bags the Mojo Pin.

KINGSMILLE: I can’t wait. It sure beats whacking-off to his poster for a change.

Cover Versions (Part 3)

OK.I think I’ve just found the WORST cover version of all time. Celine Dion singing ACDC. You should read the comments on YouTube for this video. Hilarious. I am surprised no-one has put out a contract on her.

Cover Versions (Part 2)

....don't get me wrong, there are also some shockers. This version of Devo's Girl you want is mind-numbingly bad!

Cover Versions

Many people have an irrational, almost pathological hatred for cover versions. It doesn’t matter how brilliant it is, people will invariably say, ‘oh, it’s not as good as the original’. It doesn’t matter if the original version was played by a half-deaf old guy on an out-of-tune ukulele, and the cover version is played by, say, The Rolling Stones (actually, in this case there probably wouldn’t be that much difference). Anyway, you get the point. People hate cover versions.

However, it hasn’t always been this way. Back in the 1950s and 60s, most of the songs in the top 40 were cover versions. Back then nobody really cared about writing songs. I mean, why go to all the effort to write one when you can simply steal a perfectly good song a black person has already written?

Anyway, I completely disagree with these ignorant plebs who value nostalgia over good taste, and I think there are many cover versions that shit all over the originals. Here are some of my favourites.

BEST COVER VERSIONS:

Gary Jules – Mad World (orig. Tears for fears)
Youth Group – Forever Young (orig. by German band Alphaville)
Nirvana – The man who sold the world (orig. by David Bowie)
William Shatner – Common people (orig. Pulp)
Sarah Blasko – Goodbye yellow brick road (by Elton John)
Jimi Hendrix – All along the watchtower (orig. by Bob Dylan)
Soft Cell – Tainted love (orig. by Gloria Jones)
The Clash – I fought the law (orig. by The Crickets-post-Buddy Holly)
Sinead O’Conner – Nothing compares to you (orig. by Prince)


And what I consider the best cover version EVER:
Johnny Cash – Hurt (orig. by Nine Inch Nails)




If you have any favourites, please post them in the comments section...

Pick-up lines for Greenies

I’ve come up with a few environmentally-friendly pick-up lines you might want to use next time you’re cruising for unwashed Fitzroy babes:


Is it just me or is the atmosphere in here getting hotter?

Are you interested in emissions trading?

I would like to sustainably develop our relationship.

If you were a type of coal, would you rather be clean or dirty?

How would you feel if my Gunn erected a pulp mill in your map of Tasmania?

Are you are a climax-change sceptic? Let me show you some hard proof.

Are my carbon emissions causing the hole in your ozone-layer to enlarge?

You’ve just caused an oil spill in my southern ocean.

Comrade Kingsmille's People's Radio's 100 Most Esteemed Propaganda Musics of all Time Countdown (Part 2)

MY (actual) Top 10:


1. New Order – Blue Monday
2. Foo Fighters – Everlong
3. ACDC – Highway to hell
4. Nirvana – Smells Like Teen Spirit
5. Chuck Berry – Johnny B. Goode
6. Leonard Cohen - Hallelujah
7. Derek and the Dominoes – Layla
8. Eminem – Stan (feat. Dido)
9. Weezer – Buddy Holly
10. B52s - Rock Lobster


Now the first thing you will probably notice is this list doesn’t contain The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, Elvis, Cream, The Doors, Bob Dylan, U2, Pearl Jam, Led Zeppelin, Radiohead, Soul Asylum or even my most favourite band of all time, Ash. This is because these artists had far too many songs to choose from, and therefore, ironically, none of their songs made the list.

Comrade Kingsmille’s People’s Radio’s 100 Most Esteemed Propaganda Musics of All Time Countdown

I am currently compiling my list of 10 songs to submit to Triple J Hottest 100 of all time, and for inspiration I had a look at the Hottest 100 lists from 1989 to 2008. And WOW!? There are so many great songs to choose from. Including such classic tracks as:

Crazy Town - Butterfly (2001, #8)
The Androids - Do it with Madonna (2002, #54)
Chaka Demus and the Pliers - Tease Me (1993, #47)
The Sharp - Scratch my back (1993, #63)
East 17 - Deep (1993, #78)
and Alien Ant Farm’s unforgettable version of Smooth criminal (2001, #6)

It gets better. Those critically-acclaimed legends of illustrious talent, Limp Bizkit, have graced the Hottest 100 three times. That’s right, THREE FREAKING TIMES!!!!!!! (with one song even reaching the top 10!!):
My generation (2000, #21)
Take a look around (2000, #27)
and Nookie (1999, #8)

Other note-worthy entries include:
Peter Helliar - Bevan the musical (1999, #35)
Wheatus - Teenage dirtbag (2000, #4)
28 Days - Rip it up (2000, #11)
and Pauline Pantsdown - Back door man (1997, #5)

But let’s not forget the song that reached number one in 1998, and defined a generation with its timeless brilliance:
The Offspring - Pretty fly (for a white guy) (1998, #1)

Hottest 100 of ALL (GenY's concept of)TIME

In case you haven't been paying attention to Comrade Kingsmille's People's Radio(more commonly known as Triple J) lately, they are currently compiling a Hottest 100 of ALL TIME! (by 'all time' I suppose they mean all the way back to Spiderbait's first album - I mean, I don't think the GenY listeners have heard of those crappy old-fogie-bands like Cream or The Doors that *shudder* baby-boomers were into).

So anyway, it has got me thinking about what would make my list of Top 10 favourite songs of all time.

I hope to post my Top 10 list in the next blog, but I am not sure exactly what approach to take with my selection. I mean, what do I want this list to say about me? There are several obvious approaches I could take:


1. The "I'm too cool for school" approach:

This is where I choose the most obscure b-sides and out-takes from underground 80s European punk bands that nobody's ever heard of.

2. The "Proud to be Australian" approach:

This is where I choose only Aussie tracks. Obviously ACDC would be in there, but because it's Triple J, I would have to include Hilltop Hoods, The Herd, Muph and Plutonic, and whatever other Aussie hip-hop acts exist (plus Spiderbait of course)


3. The "I'm a bedroom-guitarist" approach:

This list should include Stairway to heaven, Knights of Sydonia by Muse, Estranged by Guns n Roses, One by Metallica, Unforgiven by Metallica, Master of Puppets by Metallica, Enter Sandman by Metallica, Fade to black by Metallica, Nothing else matters by Metallica, Eruption by Eddie Van Halen, and anything by Dreamtheatre.


4. The "No, really, I am way too cool for school" approach:

This is where I don't even compile a list. I just write a sarcastic twitter-post about how much I hate Triple J, as well as how much I hate pretty much everything.

5. The "At least Triple J will actually accept my entry" approach:

This is a strategic approach where I choose one random Muse song, one from White Stripes, Smells like teen spirit, plus seven Radiohead songs. As opposed to the previous lists which Triple J will no doubt ignore, this one will be sure to be actually included in the voting tally.



Hmmm. What should I choose?

hippopotomonstrosesquipedalian

For those times when 'sesquipedalian' won't do the job, try using:

Hippopotomonstrosesquipedalian


which means...'a very, very long word

Sesquipedalian

Try slipping this one into your daily conversations:


A sesquipedalian is 'a very long word' (literally 'a foot-and-a-half-long' word)

It can also be used as an adjective to describe the 'use of very long words'.


I like it. But what I love best about this word is that unlike 'phonetic' which is not actually phonetic, sesquipedalian is sesquipedalian.

The Bible: the computer game

I've just had my first $$$ million dollar idea $$$ Woo hoo! I'm gonna be rich (please don't steal my idea, you bastards!) OK. So this is my idea: The Bible: The computer game. Basically, you start at Genesis, and work your way through 66 levels til you get to Revelations. To pass each level, you have to do the correct thing. So, if you're Cain you gotta kill Abel, then you pass that level. If you're Abraham then you gotta NOT kill Isaac to pass the level. Oh man, it'll be the best. There are so many possibilities. And it could pay homage to plenty of classic games, too. For instance, Zaccheus climbing the tree could be like Mario Bros, getting that dude through the roof would be like Tetris, and the book of Song of Songs would basically be an Old Testament version of Leisure Suit Larry. Revelation could be interesting. Not sure exactly how to go about that one. Oh yeah, and there could be hidden extras, little easter eggs that take you in different theological directions (click here for the pre-millenial-dispensationalist level, or get the cheat-codes for the hidden Apocrypha levels)


Yeah man, I think I'm definitely on to something here. And if the game really takes off, I could make a sequel: Church History: the computer game . And boy, what an interesting game that will be.

Enthusiastic Hack's Glossary of Musical Terms (Part 4)

UK Music Magazines – Fashion magazines

Hillsong – The art of selling awful music to an indiscriminate audience

Hidden Track – Something that was only cool the first time it was done

Music Classifieds Ads – An eco-system dangerously overpopulated with guitarists, and where bass-players are an endangered species

Bass-Player – A guitarist who couldn’t find a band

Radio – A medium that people have decided is dead and finished, yet still listen to

The Sixties – A time when 99% of people were very conservative and 1% were wild, but everybody likes to pretend they were part of the 1%

Aussie Rock Legend – Any Australian musician over the age of 50

Enthusiastic Hack’s GLOSSARY OF MUSICAL TERMS (Part 3)

Bands & Artists Edition:

The Strokes – A band that sounds less like The Strokes than most other bands these days

Nickelback – A deep, deep mystery. A band that everybody hates, yet sells millions. Who will ever solve this riddle?

Jim Morrison – A song-writer whose apparently profound lyrics read more like bad teenage poetry

The Wiggles – Australia’s biggest musical export after ACDC

New ACDC Song – The same riff they’ve used for the last 30 years with a slight variation

Un-Australian – Saying you don’t like ACDC

Audioslave – Another mystery. A band made up of the most talented members of Rage Against The Machine and Soundgarden, yet doesn’t sound nearly as good as either

Creed – A blessing to every other band in the world, because no matter how bad they are they can still say ‘at least we’re not Creed’

Jeff Buckley – The Mohammad of Triple J. Whenever a DJ mentions his name they must immediately add ‘peace be upon him, that beautiful man.’

Blasphemy – Saying you don’t like Jeff Buckley

Seeing The Light – Finally realising that Jeff Buckley is the most over-rated musician in history

Being Persecuted For Your Beliefs – Telling a group of 30-something women that you hate Jeff Buckley

Enthusiastic Hack's Glossary of Musical Terms (Part 2)

Battle of the Bands – A parallel universe where every band is a heavy metal band

Working on a New Album – Fulfilling our contractual obligations

Made it onto the Cover of Beat Magazine – Paid $10,000 to be on the cover of Beat Magazine

Hottest 100 – The 100 most played songs on Triple J last year

A Truly Beautiful Human Being - Dead

Legend – Dead

Genius - Dead

Influential – Dead; or not very popular

Acoustic Versions – An excuse to release another album

Remixes – Ditto

Jazz – A peculiar style of music where musicians only play to other musicians

Rolling Stone – A music magazine which features movie stars on the cover and occasionally a musician

Rock Wiz – A less funny version of Spicks and Specks

Christian Rock – A form of torture decreed ‘inhumane’ by international law

Enthusiastic Hack's Glossary of Musical Terms (Part 1)

Cult Following – Not very popular

Musical Differences – Clashing contractual obligations

Second Album – Where most careers end

Support Band – A really average band chosen to make the headline act sound good

Indie – A generic term used to describe any band you can’t easily pigeon-hole

Overnight Success – Five years of hard work plus three weeks of hype

Sell Out – Become too popular to be considered cool anymore

Exploring a New Direction – Our new songs are shit compared to our old stuff

We Love Coming to this City – We are in this city

I Really Respect That Artist – I think that singer is a cockhead but he is on the same Record Label as me

Australian Idol – Televised Karaoke

ARIA Awards – A very long Powderfinger interview

Student Osteopath Clinic

Today I went to the VUT Student Osteopath Clinic on Flinders Lane. It's where for a reduced fee you can put your most important joints and tendons into the unskilled hands of a nervous nineteen year old student.

And sure, you have to sign a form stating you won't sue for malpractice, but for FIFTEEN BUCKS! I mean, c'mon, that's a bargain!

Anyway, while I was sitting in the waiting room I noticed there were both male and female Osteos working there, and I wondered whether I would be seeing a guy or a girl today. I weighed up the pros and cons of each, and decided I would probably feel more comfortable with a male. Just something about paying $15 to go into a small room, take my top off and lay on a bed with a stranger rubbing my body for 45 minutes that feels a little too South-East Asia for my liking. At least with a man my mind would stay pure (I hope).

As it turned out I saw one of the guy Osteos. Well, two actually. One of them hesitantly prodded and squeezed my body parts while the other sat silently in the corner, watching us. I was promptly asked to take my top off. Immediately there was a knock on the door and two more (male) student Osteos came in. I can only describe them as looking like two tall gay footballers. They closed the door behind them and stood in front of it (essentially blocking my only means of escape!).

So there I am, standing topless in the middle of the room, surrounded by four fumbling nervous dudes looking curiously at my naked flesh, and I suddenly felt peculiarly vulnerable.

It was like a scene out of some weird 1970s art-house movie. After some hesitant introductions, one of the gay footballers started telling me to raise my arms in the air, stretch them over there, take a sip of this strange green brew, lie down on the large psychedelic shagpile rug, try these heart-shaped tablets...



Hmmm. Maybe I would have felt more comfortable with a female Osteo after all?

Parking Meters

The other day I was buying a parking ticket and the machine was doing this thing they sometimes do where they clock-up time for some coins but don't for others, and this machine had just ignored 3 of my twenty-cent coins in a row. So I thought, bugger this, I'm gonna leave a note on my dashboard: Ticket Machine Not Working. Well, it worked (the sign that is) because I didn't get booked.

Afterward, I drove to a few other places and instead of buying a ticket I just left the note there each time I parked. Then suddenly it occurred to me - those ticket machines are very temperamental. They're always breaking down. And sometimes they're not working one minute and then they're working the next. Who's gonna argue with a hand-written sign on a dashboard? So now I just leave the sign there permanently. No more tickets for me. The only thing is, the note is starting to look a bit faded from the sun.

So I'm gonna write a new note, only this time I'll have it laminated! That way it'll last for ages. Genius.

This is not the post I was planning to write

Aaaaargh! I've lost creative control of my blog!

I had a wonderful post (not this one obviously) all ready to go. It was about how I told this girl I had just met that I wouldn't drink soy milk because it made men turn gay and women grow extra breasts. It was riveting stuff; a satirical expose into the dark world of homophobia and pseudo-science conspiracy websites.

However, my editor (the missus) decided that for all its genius, the brilliant satirical humour would go over the heads of some readers, and that some left-wing pinko would undoubtably find it horribly offensive.

I then proceeded to submit a series of drafts, each one less subtle in its humour than the last, until I was writing such blatant disclaimers as: "THIS IS A JOKE! I do not subscribe to the beliefs herefore mentioned." And writing explanatory notes at the end of paragraphs such as: "Dear Reader. In case you didn't realise, I am using this seemingly offensive material as a catalyst for addressing complex issues. In doing so, I hope to raise awareness about the damaging influences of psuedo-science and hate-websites in society."

I mean, c'mon! Hello! That's what satire is! Why do i need to explain it? Nobody writes a poem and says in the middle of it 'In case you didn't realise, this is a poem, and that's why it rhymes.' In the end, I watered it down so much it became monumentally UN-FUNNY, and I couldn't post it.

It might be for the best, though. I mean, my editor does have a good point. There are two things I have learnt about those left-wing pinkos:

They have:
1. Absolutely no sense of humour
2. A propensity for physical violence


I may have had a lucky escape.

Lame Overdue Post

I have a theory. The first song I hear when I jump in my car is the greatest song ever. It doesn't seem to matter what band or genre it is, there is something about the immediate impact it has when I crank up the radio. Each song after that doesn't seem to have the same effect. I've been toying with this theory for a while now, but it gained a lot more cred yesterday when I heard Yothu Yindi and decided they were like totally awesome (I remember thinking at the time about how under-rated they were, or something like that - Yeah, I know, I was off the planet!) Then today my theory gained even more cred when I decided that Funeral For A Friend were my new favorite band. Help me. And I know my theory has some weight to it because after Funeral For A Friend they played a Daft Punk song and I was like 'ho-hum' what-ev about it. Scary.