Hottest 100 2009 - Worst year ever?

Were there any good songs released last year apart from Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros Home? (and perhaps also that song about eating breakfast every afternoon in some dodgy cafe in order to perve on a waitress)?


I have followed the Hottest 100 closely since high school and must say that 2009 was without a doubt the worst year ever! By far. I'm not sure why, but I can only put it down to two possible reasons:

1. There were no decent songs released anywhere in the entire world between Jan 1 and Dec 31 (not likely); or

2. Triple J have lost the plot (more likely)


Alright, so I'm exaggerating a little. Silversun Pickups are excellent. And there were a few OK songs in there like Phoenix Lisztomania, but let's be honest, if that track had been released any other year it would have probably come in at, say, #63, not #4.

All in all, it just seemed like a really flat year for music (if Triple J is anything to go by). For instance, great artists like Sarah Blasko and Bluejuice, who usually can't go wrong, released the worst songs of their careers (yes, Powderfinger, I'm talking about you too!).


And what's with all the fuss over Mumford and Sons? They are the most overrated piece of crap band since Seven Mary Three (huh, what's that? never heard of them?). I didn't actually twig exactly who they were until I heard Little lion man at #1 and instantly recognised it as "that awful song" Triple J play every time I'm in the car and have to quickly change stations. Boo!

Comrade Kingsmille's People's Radio, I have loved you but you've let me down.

I just hope Kingsmille doesn't find this blog and arrest me for thought-crime.



(have I alienated everyone?)

Triple J's Hottest 100 of all time

This is an actual conversation I heard on Triple J during the Hottest 100 of all time countdown:


RICHARD KINGSMILLE: It’s amazing. Jeff Buckley only released one album during his lifetime, yet he’s managed to have three songs in the Hottest 100. And two of those songs even made the top ten.

ZAN ROWE: Oh, yes Richard. It is pretty amazing. But what an amazing man he was. He was so beautiful.

KINGSMILLE: Yes. So beautiful. I remember the first time I heard Last Goodbye. I was standing in my kitchen and the song was so electrifying I stripped naked, poured yoghurt all over my body and did the funky chicken dance.

ROWE: That’s nothing. The first time I heard Last Goodbye I constructed a make-shift alter next to my bed and bowed down and worshipped the Almighty Buckley.

KINGSMILLE: We have somebody on the line who also shares a special love for the holy one.

RANDOM CALLER: Hi guys. Like most Triple J listeners, I absolutely love Jeff Buckley. In fact, I’m planning to travel to his gravesite, exhume his remains, and make passionate love to his decaying form. It’s been my life-long dream.

ROWE: Wow! That sounds lovely. Can I join?

KINGSMILLE: Yeah, me too. I want some Buckley corpse-love as well.

ROWE: Ooh, ooh, I bags the Mojo Pin.

KINGSMILLE: I can’t wait. It sure beats whacking-off to his poster for a change.

Cover Versions (Part 3)

OK.I think I’ve just found the WORST cover version of all time. Celine Dion singing ACDC. You should read the comments on YouTube for this video. Hilarious. I am surprised no-one has put out a contract on her.

Cover Versions (Part 2)

....don't get me wrong, there are also some shockers. This version of Devo's Girl you want is mind-numbingly bad!

Cover Versions

Many people have an irrational, almost pathological hatred for cover versions. It doesn’t matter how brilliant it is, people will invariably say, ‘oh, it’s not as good as the original’. It doesn’t matter if the original version was played by a half-deaf old guy on an out-of-tune ukulele, and the cover version is played by, say, The Rolling Stones (actually, in this case there probably wouldn’t be that much difference). Anyway, you get the point. People hate cover versions.

However, it hasn’t always been this way. Back in the 1950s and 60s, most of the songs in the top 40 were cover versions. Back then nobody really cared about writing songs. I mean, why go to all the effort to write one when you can simply steal a perfectly good song a black person has already written?

Anyway, I completely disagree with these ignorant plebs who value nostalgia over good taste, and I think there are many cover versions that shit all over the originals. Here are some of my favourites.

BEST COVER VERSIONS:

Gary Jules – Mad World (orig. Tears for fears)
Youth Group – Forever Young (orig. by German band Alphaville)
Nirvana – The man who sold the world (orig. by David Bowie)
William Shatner – Common people (orig. Pulp)
Sarah Blasko – Goodbye yellow brick road (by Elton John)
Jimi Hendrix – All along the watchtower (orig. by Bob Dylan)
Soft Cell – Tainted love (orig. by Gloria Jones)
The Clash – I fought the law (orig. by The Crickets-post-Buddy Holly)
Sinead O’Conner – Nothing compares to you (orig. by Prince)


And what I consider the best cover version EVER:
Johnny Cash – Hurt (orig. by Nine Inch Nails)




If you have any favourites, please post them in the comments section...

Comrade Kingsmille's People's Radio's 100 Most Esteemed Propaganda Musics of all Time Countdown (Part 2)

MY (actual) Top 10:


1. New Order – Blue Monday
2. Foo Fighters – Everlong
3. ACDC – Highway to hell
4. Nirvana – Smells Like Teen Spirit
5. Chuck Berry – Johnny B. Goode
6. Leonard Cohen - Hallelujah
7. Derek and the Dominoes – Layla
8. Eminem – Stan (feat. Dido)
9. Weezer – Buddy Holly
10. B52s - Rock Lobster


Now the first thing you will probably notice is this list doesn’t contain The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, Elvis, Cream, The Doors, Bob Dylan, U2, Pearl Jam, Led Zeppelin, Radiohead, Soul Asylum or even my most favourite band of all time, Ash. This is because these artists had far too many songs to choose from, and therefore, ironically, none of their songs made the list.

Comrade Kingsmille’s People’s Radio’s 100 Most Esteemed Propaganda Musics of All Time Countdown

I am currently compiling my list of 10 songs to submit to Triple J Hottest 100 of all time, and for inspiration I had a look at the Hottest 100 lists from 1989 to 2008. And WOW!? There are so many great songs to choose from. Including such classic tracks as:

Crazy Town - Butterfly (2001, #8)
The Androids - Do it with Madonna (2002, #54)
Chaka Demus and the Pliers - Tease Me (1993, #47)
The Sharp - Scratch my back (1993, #63)
East 17 - Deep (1993, #78)
and Alien Ant Farm’s unforgettable version of Smooth criminal (2001, #6)

It gets better. Those critically-acclaimed legends of illustrious talent, Limp Bizkit, have graced the Hottest 100 three times. That’s right, THREE FREAKING TIMES!!!!!!! (with one song even reaching the top 10!!):
My generation (2000, #21)
Take a look around (2000, #27)
and Nookie (1999, #8)

Other note-worthy entries include:
Peter Helliar - Bevan the musical (1999, #35)
Wheatus - Teenage dirtbag (2000, #4)
28 Days - Rip it up (2000, #11)
and Pauline Pantsdown - Back door man (1997, #5)

But let’s not forget the song that reached number one in 1998, and defined a generation with its timeless brilliance:
The Offspring - Pretty fly (for a white guy) (1998, #1)

Hottest 100 of ALL (GenY's concept of)TIME

In case you haven't been paying attention to Comrade Kingsmille's People's Radio(more commonly known as Triple J) lately, they are currently compiling a Hottest 100 of ALL TIME! (by 'all time' I suppose they mean all the way back to Spiderbait's first album - I mean, I don't think the GenY listeners have heard of those crappy old-fogie-bands like Cream or The Doors that *shudder* baby-boomers were into).

So anyway, it has got me thinking about what would make my list of Top 10 favourite songs of all time.

I hope to post my Top 10 list in the next blog, but I am not sure exactly what approach to take with my selection. I mean, what do I want this list to say about me? There are several obvious approaches I could take:


1. The "I'm too cool for school" approach:

This is where I choose the most obscure b-sides and out-takes from underground 80s European punk bands that nobody's ever heard of.

2. The "Proud to be Australian" approach:

This is where I choose only Aussie tracks. Obviously ACDC would be in there, but because it's Triple J, I would have to include Hilltop Hoods, The Herd, Muph and Plutonic, and whatever other Aussie hip-hop acts exist (plus Spiderbait of course)


3. The "I'm a bedroom-guitarist" approach:

This list should include Stairway to heaven, Knights of Sydonia by Muse, Estranged by Guns n Roses, One by Metallica, Unforgiven by Metallica, Master of Puppets by Metallica, Enter Sandman by Metallica, Fade to black by Metallica, Nothing else matters by Metallica, Eruption by Eddie Van Halen, and anything by Dreamtheatre.


4. The "No, really, I am way too cool for school" approach:

This is where I don't even compile a list. I just write a sarcastic twitter-post about how much I hate Triple J, as well as how much I hate pretty much everything.

5. The "At least Triple J will actually accept my entry" approach:

This is a strategic approach where I choose one random Muse song, one from White Stripes, Smells like teen spirit, plus seven Radiohead songs. As opposed to the previous lists which Triple J will no doubt ignore, this one will be sure to be actually included in the voting tally.



Hmmm. What should I choose?

Enthusiastic Hack's Glossary of Musical Terms (Part 4)

UK Music Magazines – Fashion magazines

Hillsong – The art of selling awful music to an indiscriminate audience

Hidden Track – Something that was only cool the first time it was done

Music Classifieds Ads – An eco-system dangerously overpopulated with guitarists, and where bass-players are an endangered species

Bass-Player – A guitarist who couldn’t find a band

Radio – A medium that people have decided is dead and finished, yet still listen to

The Sixties – A time when 99% of people were very conservative and 1% were wild, but everybody likes to pretend they were part of the 1%

Aussie Rock Legend – Any Australian musician over the age of 50

Enthusiastic Hack’s GLOSSARY OF MUSICAL TERMS (Part 3)

Bands & Artists Edition:

The Strokes – A band that sounds less like The Strokes than most other bands these days

Nickelback – A deep, deep mystery. A band that everybody hates, yet sells millions. Who will ever solve this riddle?

Jim Morrison – A song-writer whose apparently profound lyrics read more like bad teenage poetry

The Wiggles – Australia’s biggest musical export after ACDC

New ACDC Song – The same riff they’ve used for the last 30 years with a slight variation

Un-Australian – Saying you don’t like ACDC

Audioslave – Another mystery. A band made up of the most talented members of Rage Against The Machine and Soundgarden, yet doesn’t sound nearly as good as either

Creed – A blessing to every other band in the world, because no matter how bad they are they can still say ‘at least we’re not Creed’

Jeff Buckley – The Mohammad of Triple J. Whenever a DJ mentions his name they must immediately add ‘peace be upon him, that beautiful man.’

Blasphemy – Saying you don’t like Jeff Buckley

Seeing The Light – Finally realising that Jeff Buckley is the most over-rated musician in history

Being Persecuted For Your Beliefs – Telling a group of 30-something women that you hate Jeff Buckley

Enthusiastic Hack's Glossary of Musical Terms (Part 2)

Battle of the Bands – A parallel universe where every band is a heavy metal band

Working on a New Album – Fulfilling our contractual obligations

Made it onto the Cover of Beat Magazine – Paid $10,000 to be on the cover of Beat Magazine

Hottest 100 – The 100 most played songs on Triple J last year

A Truly Beautiful Human Being - Dead

Legend – Dead

Genius - Dead

Influential – Dead; or not very popular

Acoustic Versions – An excuse to release another album

Remixes – Ditto

Jazz – A peculiar style of music where musicians only play to other musicians

Rolling Stone – A music magazine which features movie stars on the cover and occasionally a musician

Rock Wiz – A less funny version of Spicks and Specks

Christian Rock – A form of torture decreed ‘inhumane’ by international law

Enthusiastic Hack's Glossary of Musical Terms (Part 1)

Cult Following – Not very popular

Musical Differences – Clashing contractual obligations

Second Album – Where most careers end

Support Band – A really average band chosen to make the headline act sound good

Indie – A generic term used to describe any band you can’t easily pigeon-hole

Overnight Success – Five years of hard work plus three weeks of hype

Sell Out – Become too popular to be considered cool anymore

Exploring a New Direction – Our new songs are shit compared to our old stuff

We Love Coming to this City – We are in this city

I Really Respect That Artist – I think that singer is a cockhead but he is on the same Record Label as me

Australian Idol – Televised Karaoke

ARIA Awards – A very long Powderfinger interview

I Wanna Know What Meme Is

A lot of people have been wanting to know what a meme is, so I thought: What better way to explain memes than through song? Hopefully these lyrics should clear up any questions you might have once and for all:


I WANNA KNOW WHAT MEME IS - by Foreigner

Lets talk about Memes
I wanna know what Meme is, the Memes that you feel inside
I want you to show me, and I’m feeling so much Meme
I wanna feel what Meme is, no, you just cannot hide
I know you can show me, yeah

In my life there’s been heartache and pain
I don’t know if I can face it again
Cant stop now, I’ve traveled so far
To change this lonely life...

Chorus:
I wanna know what Meme is
I want you to show me
I wanna feel what Meme is
I know you can show me

Technology Ruined My Favourite Song

One of my all-time favourite songs is Outdoor Type by the Lemonheads. To my delight it came on the radio today while I was driving, and so I cranked up the volume. I was happily singing along with it until I reached the third verse and in particular these lyrics:


I can’t go away with you on a rock-climbing weekend
What if something’s on TV and it’s never shown again?


Now I’ve probably heard this song a thousand times and this line has never seemed odd to me before. But today I found myself thinking: ‘Hang on a minute. Why don’t you just YouTube it? Don’t you know you can find practically anything online these days? There is absolutely no logical reason why you would need to give up a weekend away just to wait for some show to appear on TV?’

And with that the song was ruined.

Now I know what you’re thinking: ‘Chill out mate, it’s only a song.’

Of course I realise that, and I know they’re just silly lyrics, but think about it. No artist these days would ever put that line in a song. It simply has no cultural relevance whatsoever. Nobody cares about missing their favourite TV show anymore. Why? Because they know they can always go to school the next day and borrow their friend’s downloaded copy of the entire season, including all the episodes that haven’t even aired yet.

See what I mean? The whole context which the songwriter (Evan Dando, no less! Don’t get me wrong, he is a genius) is employing to convey his imagery has now become culturally redundant, therefore eliminating the listener’s ability to relate to it, and thus thoroughly diluting the power of the message he intends to convey.

See. A good song. Completely ruined. I can’t listen to it anymore.

I wonder how many other perfectly good songs have been ruined by technology?

If you can think of any, or have had a similar experience to me when listening to a song (I doubt it – you’re probably normal) then please share it in the comments section.

Cheers


EDIT: It has come to my attention that Evan Dando did not write this song after all. It was written by Tom Morgan of the band Smudge, and was later covered by The Lemonheads. I apologise for the error. But let that be a lesson to us all: We should never believe anything we read. Or hear. Ever! And I mean anything! Especially anything!!!!

My parents' foray into the world of high culture

I was having dinner at my parents’ house the other night when my mum proceeds to tell me how ‘cultured’ they are becoming. ‘Oh yes’ she said ‘we went to the opera last week. I even got your dad to come along with me. How cultured is that, hey?’ I must admit I was quite impressed and asked which opera it was. ‘I can’t remember’ she said ‘it was by the New York Opera company or something like that.’ I thought, OK, so she can’t remember the name of the opera, whatever, who cares, that’s no big deal, so I asked her where they went to see it. She said ‘at the Sun Theatre.’ I said ‘do you mean the movie cinema?’ ‘Oh yeah’ she said ‘it was at the movies. They showed it on the big screen. It was filmed in New York.’ I was thinking, hang on a sec, you mean to say you watched a pre-filmed opera at the movie theatre, when just then my dad joins the conversation. ‘It wasn’t bad, I guess’ he said ‘except I thought the main chick was a bit too fat. These guys were supposed to be chasing after her or whatever, but it just didn’t work for me.’ So then I said to mum ‘wow, it looks like you and dad really are becoming cultured, ooh la la. Look out!’ To which she replied, ‘Oh yeah, and if you think the opera is classy, well the week before that we went to see a musical. Do you know the musical Wicked?’

Why does the devil have all the good music?

Would you let your children listen to this band?

From Rock to Rock (Part Two)

Wow! This book really is an endless fountain of wisdom (see previous post to know what I’m talking about – hence ‘part 2.’)Did you know that Bryan Adams’ lyrics glorify the god of fornication, or that Blondie’s music is Nihilistic?

I also learnt that Stevie Nicks is ‘rock’s blond priestess of the occult,’ and Tina Turner is ‘rock’s lustful grandmother’ (OK, so I already knew that.)

The book goes on to label Motley Crue as ‘one of the crudest and most barbaric of any rock group ever’ and consequently dedicates an entire chapter to them. On page 130 I found this harrowing account:

‘When fans were asked just what they would do to meet Motley Crue, the answers ranged from “sacrifice of wives and children” to one fan saying she would “tear out her mother’s heart with her bare hands and eat it raw!”’

[I can just imagine the author conducting a vox-pop outside a Motley Crue concert, and all these kids taking the complete piss out of him]

But whilst this book is providing me with an endless source of hilarity, the funniest thing about it is that in order to compile it, the author had to spend countless hours listening to all these bands and watching their music videos. Wouldn’t he have been morally corrupted in the process, or is he somehow immune to all that satanic influence?

Book Review: From Rock to Rock

I found the most wonderfully educational book this week. It’s called ‘From Rock to Rock: The Music of Darkness Exposed.’ It was written in 1990 by a Christian named Eric Barger, and it provides a detailed analysis of popular rock music, explaining how the Devil uses rock n roll to influence the kiddies.

It explains back-masking, subliminal messages, cross-dressing, and even AC-DCs ‘satanic lightning bolt,’ but the central feature of the book is what it calls the ‘Rock Music Rating System’ in which it outlines 10 criteria for judging whether a band is Satanic. It then lists hundreds of bands from A-Z, and next to their name identifies which of the criteria each artist fulfils.

And if you thought you knew which bands to be wary of, think again! According to the list, The Police (with 9 criteria) are more evil than Ozzy Osbourne (8), Duran Duran (7) are more evil than Megadeth (6), and even Bananarama (6) are more evil than Metallica (5)!!

Other artists on the list include: The Bee Gees (4), Fleetwood Mac (5), Neil Diamond (2), and Rod Stewart (3). In fact, speaking of Rod Stewart, it says ‘If you’re singing along with Rod, how can you be walking with God?’ [man, I wanna put that on a T-shirt]. And if Rod Stewart aint bad enough, the author considers Lionel Ritchie (3) especially evil, and gives this dire warning: ‘Christians should abstain from supporting his artistry with no questions asked.’

And apparently even pretend bands can be evil; Spinal Tap gets 3 gongs.

But there is only one band in the list that fulfills all 10 criteria, and yes, you guessed it, it’s The Rolling Stones. The most EVIL band in the world!

[I have a feeling I will be quoting from this book a lot]

Quote of the Day

I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to


~Elvis Presley

Crimping

Armored Combat Vehicle (His Alias, not his real name) believes that Boy Kabana (Alias, not his real name) and I invented Crimping - many years before it first appeared in The Mighty Boosh! Whilst I am very flattered that he believes this, unfortunately I don’t think it is a valid claim. Whilst lyrically similar, the melodic structures in our comedic songs are markedly different to the style of Crimping performed by Vince Noir and Howard Moon. Furthermore, all our songs have musical accompaniment, whereas Crimping is usually sung acapella.

For those who don’t know what Crimping is, it is a form of scat singing involving 2 or more people, featuring abstract lyrics about rather common subject matter. For a more thorough definition see urbandictionary.com. However, this website also states that crimping can mean having a wank and a poo at the same time.