News Story of the Week

Protestants Make Better Jam than Catholics
From The Telegraph

One of Britain's leading Roman Catholic commentators risks arousing the fury of her co-religionists by suggesting that Protestants make better jam than Catholics. And not just jam, but marmalades and pickles, too.

Mary Kenny, writing in the Catholic Herald, says that, as an ecumenical gesture, she attended choral evensong on Remembrance Sunday in her local C of E church, St Andrew's, Deal. So tasty was the lemon marmalade at the bunfight afterwards that she was reminded of her childhood in Ireland "where it has always been said, even among the least ecumenically minded Catholics, that the Protestant ladies make the best jams, marmalades and pickles, because of their tradition of good housewifery."

A Niffynaffy Nigmenog

Lately I was thinking myself to be an Ames Ace of Grub Street. A right coxcomb I was. All a-mort and spiflicated, I was. But now I spose it was comin by Tom Long, and all agog fer a fiddle faddle. Well, I sure felt a right Rum Duke, I did. N'ertheless, twas but a fiddlestick's end, it twas. All but quirks and quillets it twas. Bet n'ertheless, unlike a Soft Tommy gone down Red Lane, I sure as shimmy aint no addle-plot. Nay, sir, I was a right Rosy Gills, I was. Grinning like a basket of chips, I was.

(I should probably mention that from now on I plan to write this blog entirely in 18th Century Cockney slang. Let me know what you think of the "new direction")

Quote of the Day

'Sure, I look like a white man. But my heart is as black as anyone's here.'


~ George Wallace, governor of Alabama, to a predominantly African-American audience

Quote of the Day

'If the King's English was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for me!'


~ Ma Ferguson, former governor of Texas

Technology Ruined My Favourite Song

One of my all-time favourite songs is Outdoor Type by the Lemonheads. To my delight it came on the radio today while I was driving, and so I cranked up the volume. I was happily singing along with it until I reached the third verse and in particular these lyrics:


I can’t go away with you on a rock-climbing weekend
What if something’s on TV and it’s never shown again?


Now I’ve probably heard this song a thousand times and this line has never seemed odd to me before. But today I found myself thinking: ‘Hang on a minute. Why don’t you just YouTube it? Don’t you know you can find practically anything online these days? There is absolutely no logical reason why you would need to give up a weekend away just to wait for some show to appear on TV?’

And with that the song was ruined.

Now I know what you’re thinking: ‘Chill out mate, it’s only a song.’

Of course I realise that, and I know they’re just silly lyrics, but think about it. No artist these days would ever put that line in a song. It simply has no cultural relevance whatsoever. Nobody cares about missing their favourite TV show anymore. Why? Because they know they can always go to school the next day and borrow their friend’s downloaded copy of the entire season, including all the episodes that haven’t even aired yet.

See what I mean? The whole context which the songwriter (Evan Dando, no less! Don’t get me wrong, he is a genius) is employing to convey his imagery has now become culturally redundant, therefore eliminating the listener’s ability to relate to it, and thus thoroughly diluting the power of the message he intends to convey.

See. A good song. Completely ruined. I can’t listen to it anymore.

I wonder how many other perfectly good songs have been ruined by technology?

If you can think of any, or have had a similar experience to me when listening to a song (I doubt it – you’re probably normal) then please share it in the comments section.

Cheers


EDIT: It has come to my attention that Evan Dando did not write this song after all. It was written by Tom Morgan of the band Smudge, and was later covered by The Lemonheads. I apologise for the error. But let that be a lesson to us all: We should never believe anything we read. Or hear. Ever! And I mean anything! Especially anything!!!!

Thesaurus

Below is an example of what can happen when somebody (read: me) becomes too dependant on a thesaurus.

You see, I have only just recently discovered the thesaurus on Microsoft Word. I can’t say I have ever really made much use of a thesaurus before, but it’s kind of addictive – I can see how it could become a definite crutch. I am over-using it I know, but I can’t help it.




Now here is the same paragraph, with every word changed to an alternative word using the thesaurus:



Underneath is an exemplar of I beg your pardon? can happen when someone (translate: me) becomes excessively child on a thesaurus.

You distinguish, I encompass solitary presently of late revealed the lexicon scheduled Microsoft Utterance. I cannot declare I encompass eternally actually created a large amount utilize of a vocabulary before, but it’s variety of addictive – I container perceive how it might be converted into an unambiguous support. I am in surplus of using it I discern, nevertheless I cannot aid it.

Currently at this juncture is the same subsection, with every word altered to a different word utilizing the lexicon:

Inspiring Documentaries are Depressing

I find I am able to watch documentaries about Afganistan or Iraq or starving children in Africa without becoming too depressed, but the type of docos that really get me down are those ‘against-all-odds’ success stories. You know the kind of documentaries where some blind guy with no arms or legs decides to climb Mount Everest? I mean, come on, that’s not inspiring. It’s bloody depressing. I mean, here I am with four fully functioning limbs, and I can’t even stick to my once-a-week jogging schedule because I’ve got ‘a little bit of a cold’, or I’m a ‘bit too tired tonight.’ How am I supposed to feel when I watch these programs?

Granted, it wouldn’t be too bad if these stories were the exception to the rule, but it seems like these days just about every freaking amputee or paraplegic is either paddling a kayak to Antarctica or training for the next Paralympics.

I only mention it because last night on Enough Rope, Denton was interviewing yet another one of these ‘defying the odds’ guys (a one-legged man who was, you guessed it, planning to scale Mount Everest), and it just so happened that earlier that very night I had decided not to go for a jog, because of, well, um, see I can’t even remember what my pansy excuse was now, but I tell you what, watching that interview definitely did not inspire me to put my runners back on.

Crisis? What crisis?

With all the talk of impending financial Armageddon at the moment, I am reminded of this book I found a while ago called Surviving the Great Depression of 1990. It was written shortly after the 1987 stock market crash, and explains why the world is headed for an ‘unprecedented economic collapse’, and the ‘worst depression since the 1930s’ (does this sound familiar?) Whilst it is good to read just for a laugh, it also gives me some perspective on the current wave of fear-mongering in the press, and the ‘Capitalism is dead’ talk I am hearing everywhere. Perhaps the world is not about to end after all?

Quote of the Day

'It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.'

~ Dan Quayle

Quote of the Day

"In every country the Communists have taken over, the first thing they do is outlaw cockfighting"

~John Monks, state representative from Oklahoma, arguing against a bill to outlaw cockfighting in his state