Enthusiastic Hack’s GLOSSARY OF MUSICAL TERMS (Part 3)

Bands & Artists Edition:

The Strokes – A band that sounds less like The Strokes than most other bands these days

Nickelback – A deep, deep mystery. A band that everybody hates, yet sells millions. Who will ever solve this riddle?

Jim Morrison – A song-writer whose apparently profound lyrics read more like bad teenage poetry

The Wiggles – Australia’s biggest musical export after ACDC

New ACDC Song – The same riff they’ve used for the last 30 years with a slight variation

Un-Australian – Saying you don’t like ACDC

Audioslave – Another mystery. A band made up of the most talented members of Rage Against The Machine and Soundgarden, yet doesn’t sound nearly as good as either

Creed – A blessing to every other band in the world, because no matter how bad they are they can still say ‘at least we’re not Creed’

Jeff Buckley – The Mohammad of Triple J. Whenever a DJ mentions his name they must immediately add ‘peace be upon him, that beautiful man.’

Blasphemy – Saying you don’t like Jeff Buckley

Seeing The Light – Finally realising that Jeff Buckley is the most over-rated musician in history

Being Persecuted For Your Beliefs – Telling a group of 30-something women that you hate Jeff Buckley

Enthusiastic Hack's Glossary of Musical Terms (Part 2)

Battle of the Bands – A parallel universe where every band is a heavy metal band

Working on a New Album – Fulfilling our contractual obligations

Made it onto the Cover of Beat Magazine – Paid $10,000 to be on the cover of Beat Magazine

Hottest 100 – The 100 most played songs on Triple J last year

A Truly Beautiful Human Being - Dead

Legend – Dead

Genius - Dead

Influential – Dead; or not very popular

Acoustic Versions – An excuse to release another album

Remixes – Ditto

Jazz – A peculiar style of music where musicians only play to other musicians

Rolling Stone – A music magazine which features movie stars on the cover and occasionally a musician

Rock Wiz – A less funny version of Spicks and Specks

Christian Rock – A form of torture decreed ‘inhumane’ by international law

Enthusiastic Hack's Glossary of Musical Terms (Part 1)

Cult Following – Not very popular

Musical Differences – Clashing contractual obligations

Second Album – Where most careers end

Support Band – A really average band chosen to make the headline act sound good

Indie – A generic term used to describe any band you can’t easily pigeon-hole

Overnight Success – Five years of hard work plus three weeks of hype

Sell Out – Become too popular to be considered cool anymore

Exploring a New Direction – Our new songs are shit compared to our old stuff

We Love Coming to this City – We are in this city

I Really Respect That Artist – I think that singer is a cockhead but he is on the same Record Label as me

Australian Idol – Televised Karaoke

ARIA Awards – A very long Powderfinger interview

Student Osteopath Clinic

Today I went to the VUT Student Osteopath Clinic on Flinders Lane. It's where for a reduced fee you can put your most important joints and tendons into the unskilled hands of a nervous nineteen year old student.

And sure, you have to sign a form stating you won't sue for malpractice, but for FIFTEEN BUCKS! I mean, c'mon, that's a bargain!

Anyway, while I was sitting in the waiting room I noticed there were both male and female Osteos working there, and I wondered whether I would be seeing a guy or a girl today. I weighed up the pros and cons of each, and decided I would probably feel more comfortable with a male. Just something about paying $15 to go into a small room, take my top off and lay on a bed with a stranger rubbing my body for 45 minutes that feels a little too South-East Asia for my liking. At least with a man my mind would stay pure (I hope).

As it turned out I saw one of the guy Osteos. Well, two actually. One of them hesitantly prodded and squeezed my body parts while the other sat silently in the corner, watching us. I was promptly asked to take my top off. Immediately there was a knock on the door and two more (male) student Osteos came in. I can only describe them as looking like two tall gay footballers. They closed the door behind them and stood in front of it (essentially blocking my only means of escape!).

So there I am, standing topless in the middle of the room, surrounded by four fumbling nervous dudes looking curiously at my naked flesh, and I suddenly felt peculiarly vulnerable.

It was like a scene out of some weird 1970s art-house movie. After some hesitant introductions, one of the gay footballers started telling me to raise my arms in the air, stretch them over there, take a sip of this strange green brew, lie down on the large psychedelic shagpile rug, try these heart-shaped tablets...



Hmmm. Maybe I would have felt more comfortable with a female Osteo after all?

Parking Meters

The other day I was buying a parking ticket and the machine was doing this thing they sometimes do where they clock-up time for some coins but don't for others, and this machine had just ignored 3 of my twenty-cent coins in a row. So I thought, bugger this, I'm gonna leave a note on my dashboard: Ticket Machine Not Working. Well, it worked (the sign that is) because I didn't get booked.

Afterward, I drove to a few other places and instead of buying a ticket I just left the note there each time I parked. Then suddenly it occurred to me - those ticket machines are very temperamental. They're always breaking down. And sometimes they're not working one minute and then they're working the next. Who's gonna argue with a hand-written sign on a dashboard? So now I just leave the sign there permanently. No more tickets for me. The only thing is, the note is starting to look a bit faded from the sun.

So I'm gonna write a new note, only this time I'll have it laminated! That way it'll last for ages. Genius.

This is not the post I was planning to write

Aaaaargh! I've lost creative control of my blog!

I had a wonderful post (not this one obviously) all ready to go. It was about how I told this girl I had just met that I wouldn't drink soy milk because it made men turn gay and women grow extra breasts. It was riveting stuff; a satirical expose into the dark world of homophobia and pseudo-science conspiracy websites.

However, my editor (the missus) decided that for all its genius, the brilliant satirical humour would go over the heads of some readers, and that some left-wing pinko would undoubtably find it horribly offensive.

I then proceeded to submit a series of drafts, each one less subtle in its humour than the last, until I was writing such blatant disclaimers as: "THIS IS A JOKE! I do not subscribe to the beliefs herefore mentioned." And writing explanatory notes at the end of paragraphs such as: "Dear Reader. In case you didn't realise, I am using this seemingly offensive material as a catalyst for addressing complex issues. In doing so, I hope to raise awareness about the damaging influences of psuedo-science and hate-websites in society."

I mean, c'mon! Hello! That's what satire is! Why do i need to explain it? Nobody writes a poem and says in the middle of it 'In case you didn't realise, this is a poem, and that's why it rhymes.' In the end, I watered it down so much it became monumentally UN-FUNNY, and I couldn't post it.

It might be for the best, though. I mean, my editor does have a good point. There are two things I have learnt about those left-wing pinkos:

They have:
1. Absolutely no sense of humour
2. A propensity for physical violence


I may have had a lucky escape.

Lame Overdue Post

I have a theory. The first song I hear when I jump in my car is the greatest song ever. It doesn't seem to matter what band or genre it is, there is something about the immediate impact it has when I crank up the radio. Each song after that doesn't seem to have the same effect. I've been toying with this theory for a while now, but it gained a lot more cred yesterday when I heard Yothu Yindi and decided they were like totally awesome (I remember thinking at the time about how under-rated they were, or something like that - Yeah, I know, I was off the planet!) Then today my theory gained even more cred when I decided that Funeral For A Friend were my new favorite band. Help me. And I know my theory has some weight to it because after Funeral For A Friend they played a Daft Punk song and I was like 'ho-hum' what-ev about it. Scary.