I'm still here...

Wow! It's been a whole year since my last post. It's hard, because the longer you wait between posts, the more pressure there is to make it a good one. Hopefully I won't make the same mistake of posting a good one, then immediately posting a crap one, and leaving the crap one there sitting on top for a whole freakin year. Well, we'll see...




How to enjoy all the guilty pleasures of lowbrow bogan culture whilst still appearing cool to your inner-city friends


1. Watch gratuitously sexualised music videos on Video Hits… ironically (Remember: sexist pseudo-porn can also be viewed as anti-sexist ironic social commentary. This same logic can be applied to telling racist jokes)

2. Read the Herald Sun… ironically (Spread two whole pages out, one above the other, and hold them like that in an awkward manner, to make it seem as if you have never held a tabloid-sized paper before and are a bit confused about it all)

3. Eat lunch at McDonalds… ironically (Tell your Fitzroy mates that you do it as ‘performance art’. That way they might want to come along too. Bonus tip: take your burger wrappers home and pin them up on the wall of your share-house kitchen as a creative form of protest against multinational corporations)

4. Cruise around in an enormous four-wheel-drive… as an ironic form of environmental protest (Tip: if you happen to have an M.U.A. sticker on your car, tell your friends it stands for ‘Musicians Union of Albert Street’)

5. Shop at Coles and Woolworths (It’s research for your documentary, remember?)

And here's some final advice: always remember to use environmentalist jargon to spin things in your favour whenever you can. For example, battery-farmed eggs becomes "sustainable high-density eco-farmed eggs".

They won't know the difference.

Pick-up lines for Greenies

I’ve come up with a few environmentally-friendly pick-up lines you might want to use next time you’re cruising for unwashed Fitzroy babes:


Is it just me or is the atmosphere in here getting hotter?

Are you interested in emissions trading?

I would like to sustainably develop our relationship.

If you were a type of coal, would you rather be clean or dirty?

How would you feel if my Gunn erected a pulp mill in your map of Tasmania?

Are you are a climax-change sceptic? Let me show you some hard proof.

Are my carbon emissions causing the hole in your ozone-layer to enlarge?

You’ve just caused an oil spill in my southern ocean.

Parking Meters

The other day I was buying a parking ticket and the machine was doing this thing they sometimes do where they clock-up time for some coins but don't for others, and this machine had just ignored 3 of my twenty-cent coins in a row. So I thought, bugger this, I'm gonna leave a note on my dashboard: Ticket Machine Not Working. Well, it worked (the sign that is) because I didn't get booked.

Afterward, I drove to a few other places and instead of buying a ticket I just left the note there each time I parked. Then suddenly it occurred to me - those ticket machines are very temperamental. They're always breaking down. And sometimes they're not working one minute and then they're working the next. Who's gonna argue with a hand-written sign on a dashboard? So now I just leave the sign there permanently. No more tickets for me. The only thing is, the note is starting to look a bit faded from the sun.

So I'm gonna write a new note, only this time I'll have it laminated! That way it'll last for ages. Genius.

My hippie brother

I was hanging out with my youngest brother 'Joey Jo-Jo Junior Shabadoo' today. For those who don't know him, Joey Jo-Jo is an unshaven lad with dreadlocks and alternative op-shop-style clothing. We were in Fitzroy, and his bohemian image made the two of us a target for every left-wing activist and protester that happened to venture within 50 metres of us. I was not accustomed to all the attention; however Joey Jo-Jo is quite used to it. At one point we were driving past a 7-Eleven where a group of employees were protesting against 7-Eleven's low wages. Of all the dozens of cars on the road, this girl singled-out ours (because she caught sight of my brother's dreadlocks), and ran over to hand him a flyer. He happily took the flyer and said 'wow, 10 dollars an hour! That's pretty good. I might apply for a job here.'

He told me about a previous incedent: One time he was wearing a fur coat, and these hippies said to him 'I know that's not real, because you don't look like the kind of person who would wear real fur.' He replied, 'I wish it was, but I can't afford it.'