I'm still here...

Wow! It's been a whole year since my last post. It's hard, because the longer you wait between posts, the more pressure there is to make it a good one. Hopefully I won't make the same mistake of posting a good one, then immediately posting a crap one, and leaving the crap one there sitting on top for a whole freakin year. Well, we'll see...




How to enjoy all the guilty pleasures of lowbrow bogan culture whilst still appearing cool to your inner-city friends


1. Watch gratuitously sexualised music videos on Video Hits… ironically (Remember: sexist pseudo-porn can also be viewed as anti-sexist ironic social commentary. This same logic can be applied to telling racist jokes)

2. Read the Herald Sun… ironically (Spread two whole pages out, one above the other, and hold them like that in an awkward manner, to make it seem as if you have never held a tabloid-sized paper before and are a bit confused about it all)

3. Eat lunch at McDonalds… ironically (Tell your Fitzroy mates that you do it as ‘performance art’. That way they might want to come along too. Bonus tip: take your burger wrappers home and pin them up on the wall of your share-house kitchen as a creative form of protest against multinational corporations)

4. Cruise around in an enormous four-wheel-drive… as an ironic form of environmental protest (Tip: if you happen to have an M.U.A. sticker on your car, tell your friends it stands for ‘Musicians Union of Albert Street’)

5. Shop at Coles and Woolworths (It’s research for your documentary, remember?)

And here's some final advice: always remember to use environmentalist jargon to spin things in your favour whenever you can. For example, battery-farmed eggs becomes "sustainable high-density eco-farmed eggs".

They won't know the difference.

Sesquipedalian

Try slipping this one into your daily conversations:


A sesquipedalian is 'a very long word' (literally 'a foot-and-a-half-long' word)

It can also be used as an adjective to describe the 'use of very long words'.


I like it. But what I love best about this word is that unlike 'phonetic' which is not actually phonetic, sesquipedalian is sesquipedalian.

The Bible: the computer game

I've just had my first $$$ million dollar idea $$$ Woo hoo! I'm gonna be rich (please don't steal my idea, you bastards!) OK. So this is my idea: The Bible: The computer game. Basically, you start at Genesis, and work your way through 66 levels til you get to Revelations. To pass each level, you have to do the correct thing. So, if you're Cain you gotta kill Abel, then you pass that level. If you're Abraham then you gotta NOT kill Isaac to pass the level. Oh man, it'll be the best. There are so many possibilities. And it could pay homage to plenty of classic games, too. For instance, Zaccheus climbing the tree could be like Mario Bros, getting that dude through the roof would be like Tetris, and the book of Song of Songs would basically be an Old Testament version of Leisure Suit Larry. Revelation could be interesting. Not sure exactly how to go about that one. Oh yeah, and there could be hidden extras, little easter eggs that take you in different theological directions (click here for the pre-millenial-dispensationalist level, or get the cheat-codes for the hidden Apocrypha levels)


Yeah man, I think I'm definitely on to something here. And if the game really takes off, I could make a sequel: Church History: the computer game . And boy, what an interesting game that will be.