This is not the post I was planning to write

Aaaaargh! I've lost creative control of my blog!

I had a wonderful post (not this one obviously) all ready to go. It was about how I told this girl I had just met that I wouldn't drink soy milk because it made men turn gay and women grow extra breasts. It was riveting stuff; a satirical expose into the dark world of homophobia and pseudo-science conspiracy websites.

However, my editor (the missus) decided that for all its genius, the brilliant satirical humour would go over the heads of some readers, and that some left-wing pinko would undoubtably find it horribly offensive.

I then proceeded to submit a series of drafts, each one less subtle in its humour than the last, until I was writing such blatant disclaimers as: "THIS IS A JOKE! I do not subscribe to the beliefs herefore mentioned." And writing explanatory notes at the end of paragraphs such as: "Dear Reader. In case you didn't realise, I am using this seemingly offensive material as a catalyst for addressing complex issues. In doing so, I hope to raise awareness about the damaging influences of psuedo-science and hate-websites in society."

I mean, c'mon! Hello! That's what satire is! Why do i need to explain it? Nobody writes a poem and says in the middle of it 'In case you didn't realise, this is a poem, and that's why it rhymes.' In the end, I watered it down so much it became monumentally UN-FUNNY, and I couldn't post it.

It might be for the best, though. I mean, my editor does have a good point. There are two things I have learnt about those left-wing pinkos:

They have:
1. Absolutely no sense of humour
2. A propensity for physical violence


I may have had a lucky escape.

Satire

I have just realised the secret of Satire: Basically, you can make the most controversial, sexist, racist, bigoted comments, and then when people complain about it, you just say 'hey, can't you tell I'm just being ironic?' Then these same people suddenly feel so stupid for 'not getting it' that they pretend to understand the complex satirical subtext of your politically incorrect assertions, and they go around saying how clever and ironic you are, and then they write essays, and publish opinion pieces that explore the intricacies of your 'art', in which they carefully dissect every statement you ever make, and hail you as this wonderfully brilliant culture-jammer. 'The voice for our generation' they say. For example, when I make a statement on this blog such as: "why isn't that woman in the kitchen making my dinner?" you need to assume that my comment is actually really insightful social commentary laced with irony and satire (see, that way I can have my cake and eat it too!) So, I have realised there is a very fine line between being clever and being a complete bogan; and that word is: Satire.

Brush With Fame

SHAUN MICALLEF came into the place where I work the other day (The Emporium of Musical Monstrosities), and I was thinking ‘Hey, it’s Shaun Micallef; quick, say something cool and witty to him before he leaves.’ But I couldn’t even summon the courage to make eye contact, and then after 30 seconds he left. I felt like I should have said something, but then what was I supposed to say: “Wow. You’re Shaun Micallef! You’re like my 7th favorite Australian Satirist-slash-Comedian after John Safran and the Chaser team!”