Student Osteopath Clinic

Today I went to the VUT Student Osteopath Clinic on Flinders Lane. It's where for a reduced fee you can put your most important joints and tendons into the unskilled hands of a nervous nineteen year old student.

And sure, you have to sign a form stating you won't sue for malpractice, but for FIFTEEN BUCKS! I mean, c'mon, that's a bargain!

Anyway, while I was sitting in the waiting room I noticed there were both male and female Osteos working there, and I wondered whether I would be seeing a guy or a girl today. I weighed up the pros and cons of each, and decided I would probably feel more comfortable with a male. Just something about paying $15 to go into a small room, take my top off and lay on a bed with a stranger rubbing my body for 45 minutes that feels a little too South-East Asia for my liking. At least with a man my mind would stay pure (I hope).

As it turned out I saw one of the guy Osteos. Well, two actually. One of them hesitantly prodded and squeezed my body parts while the other sat silently in the corner, watching us. I was promptly asked to take my top off. Immediately there was a knock on the door and two more (male) student Osteos came in. I can only describe them as looking like two tall gay footballers. They closed the door behind them and stood in front of it (essentially blocking my only means of escape!).

So there I am, standing topless in the middle of the room, surrounded by four fumbling nervous dudes looking curiously at my naked flesh, and I suddenly felt peculiarly vulnerable.

It was like a scene out of some weird 1970s art-house movie. After some hesitant introductions, one of the gay footballers started telling me to raise my arms in the air, stretch them over there, take a sip of this strange green brew, lie down on the large psychedelic shagpile rug, try these heart-shaped tablets...



Hmmm. Maybe I would have felt more comfortable with a female Osteo after all?