Facebook

One of my loyal readers recently suggested that I should post my blog on Facebook, where many people can read it, rather than continuing to scribble away here in virtual obscurity. However, whilst I am seriously considering following the shrewd marketing advice this enterprising chap has kindly proffered, I am nevertheless a little wary of exposing myself to a large number of people (I tried it once in the playground and it didn’t go down too well). There is a kind of safety in knowing personally the dozen or so people who regularly read my blog, as I can rest assured that no matter what I write on here I won’t be offending anybody. But with all manner of random Facebook strangers being able to read it there may be certain things that I won’t feel too comfortable posting. Like this:

COMMON SPECIES OF ANNOYING LOSERS ON FACEBOOK:

The Bore: These creatures’ lives are about as interesting as a late-night rerun of Blue Heelers. They possess an uncanny ability to fill each minute of every day with absolutely nothing – and they have a pressing desire to tell you all about it in agonising detail! Whether they are brushing their teeth or peeling a banana, make no mistake, you will hear all about it – whether you want to or not.

The Self-Promoter: These creatures put the ‘network’ in social network, and the ‘end’ in friend – you exist only to serve their ultimate purpose of shamelessly (and constantly) promoting their band, website or home-based business. Their status updates are invariably impersonal, although they are often clumsily disguised as “friendly banter”, such as: “Wow! I’m excited about soon becoming financially independent. Who wants to join me?” As if they are inviting you to come down to the pub or something.

The Public Clothesline: These creatures are an introduced species who haven’t yet fully adapted to the unforgiving terrain of the internet. Stumbling through this unfamiliar online environment they are blissfully unaware of the consequences of posting comments such as “my sister is a manipulative cow” or “I’m thinking about leaving my husband”.

The Application Junkie: Like mosquitoes, these creatures can be a real pest. No sooner do you block Farmville than they are inviting you to play Poker with them. If only there was some kind of online Mortein.

The Sympathy Fisher: Say no more. The best way to deal with these creatures is to simply call their bluff. Instead of saying: “You are a beautiful person, you’ll find somebody else”, say: “To be honest, I don’t blame him for dumping you”.

The Provoker: This creature has an innate ability to unceremoniously crash even the most benign conversation about homework or baking muffins to promote corporal punishment or to accuse people of being Communist-sympathisers.


The Unwitting Wanker: These creatures think they are being oh-so-clever with their continual sarcastic comments, but everybody else on Facebook begs to differ. Wait a sec...I think this is me.