Les Twentyman reveals all in our 12 page glossy spread

Where would our local papers be without Les Twentyman?, I ask. And what on earth would they find to write about? Not only does he provide local journalists with an inexhaustible source of ready-made column inches, he is without a doubt the veritable darling of our community press.

Twentyman is to The Leader what Kate Middleton is to New Idea. He is to Footscray, Yarraville, Braybrook Star what Angelina Jolie is to Who Weekly.

Like vultures surrounding a selfless and altruistic carcass, the western suburbs media unrelentingly stalks this man week in-week out, relaying every salacious detail to its gossip-hungry readership.

For just like New Idea and Who, the local papers' fascination with Les merely feeds and perpetuates the cult of celebrity that so permeates the contemporary culture of inner-west house-bound octogenarians who still read the local paper.

But as long as the public continues to by obsessed with young, sexy celebrities, and remains preoccupied with following their every move, I can't see the western suburbs media leaving Les Twentyman in peace in any time soon.

My "new" politics-"related" "blog"

Hi there,

A while ago I began a politics-related blog and promptly forgot all about it. However, I recently checked in on this blog after a very long absence and was pleasantly surprised to discover a number of positive comments had been left on it.

Some of the positive feedback I received included:

"I stumbled upon this blog and found it incredibly fun and engaging"

"we, your fans, need more"

"second post, please [emphasis added]"

"the public demands more"

"I demand more"

etc. etc.

Considering the overwhelming outpouring of appreciation that this small sample of comments implies, I have decided to update my politics-related blog (soon-ish) and also to put a link to it on this blog. Here is the link:

Fair shake of the sauce bottle

cheers,

Hack

I'm still here...

Wow! It's been a whole year since my last post. It's hard, because the longer you wait between posts, the more pressure there is to make it a good one. Hopefully I won't make the same mistake of posting a good one, then immediately posting a crap one, and leaving the crap one there sitting on top for a whole freakin year. Well, we'll see...




How to enjoy all the guilty pleasures of lowbrow bogan culture whilst still appearing cool to your inner-city friends


1. Watch gratuitously sexualised music videos on Video Hits… ironically (Remember: sexist pseudo-porn can also be viewed as anti-sexist ironic social commentary. This same logic can be applied to telling racist jokes)

2. Read the Herald Sun… ironically (Spread two whole pages out, one above the other, and hold them like that in an awkward manner, to make it seem as if you have never held a tabloid-sized paper before and are a bit confused about it all)

3. Eat lunch at McDonalds… ironically (Tell your Fitzroy mates that you do it as ‘performance art’. That way they might want to come along too. Bonus tip: take your burger wrappers home and pin them up on the wall of your share-house kitchen as a creative form of protest against multinational corporations)

4. Cruise around in an enormous four-wheel-drive… as an ironic form of environmental protest (Tip: if you happen to have an M.U.A. sticker on your car, tell your friends it stands for ‘Musicians Union of Albert Street’)

5. Shop at Coles and Woolworths (It’s research for your documentary, remember?)

And here's some final advice: always remember to use environmentalist jargon to spin things in your favour whenever you can. For example, battery-farmed eggs becomes "sustainable high-density eco-farmed eggs".

They won't know the difference.

Top Ten Worst Top Ten Lists

10 – Investor magazine’s top 10 stock picks
9 – The ARIA top 10 albums chart one week before Christmas
8 – The ARIA top 10 every other week of the year
7 – The Age’s top 10 things everyone’s talking about this week
6 – Top 10 songs of all time (as voted by the narrow demographic that listens to our station)
4 – Top 10 Most Beautiful People in the world (Don’t you mean “in Hollywood”?)
3 – Guitarist magazine’s top 10 guitarists (Who are these people? Are they just making these names up?)
2 – Top 10 Most Livable cities (Since when is minus 20 degrees considered “livable”?)
1 – Any top 10 list from The David Letterman Show

Facebook

One of my loyal readers recently suggested that I should post my blog on Facebook, where many people can read it, rather than continuing to scribble away here in virtual obscurity. However, whilst I am seriously considering following the shrewd marketing advice this enterprising chap has kindly proffered, I am nevertheless a little wary of exposing myself to a large number of people (I tried it once in the playground and it didn’t go down too well). There is a kind of safety in knowing personally the dozen or so people who regularly read my blog, as I can rest assured that no matter what I write on here I won’t be offending anybody. But with all manner of random Facebook strangers being able to read it there may be certain things that I won’t feel too comfortable posting. Like this:

COMMON SPECIES OF ANNOYING LOSERS ON FACEBOOK:

The Bore: These creatures’ lives are about as interesting as a late-night rerun of Blue Heelers. They possess an uncanny ability to fill each minute of every day with absolutely nothing – and they have a pressing desire to tell you all about it in agonising detail! Whether they are brushing their teeth or peeling a banana, make no mistake, you will hear all about it – whether you want to or not.

The Self-Promoter: These creatures put the ‘network’ in social network, and the ‘end’ in friend – you exist only to serve their ultimate purpose of shamelessly (and constantly) promoting their band, website or home-based business. Their status updates are invariably impersonal, although they are often clumsily disguised as “friendly banter”, such as: “Wow! I’m excited about soon becoming financially independent. Who wants to join me?” As if they are inviting you to come down to the pub or something.

The Public Clothesline: These creatures are an introduced species who haven’t yet fully adapted to the unforgiving terrain of the internet. Stumbling through this unfamiliar online environment they are blissfully unaware of the consequences of posting comments such as “my sister is a manipulative cow” or “I’m thinking about leaving my husband”.

The Application Junkie: Like mosquitoes, these creatures can be a real pest. No sooner do you block Farmville than they are inviting you to play Poker with them. If only there was some kind of online Mortein.

The Sympathy Fisher: Say no more. The best way to deal with these creatures is to simply call their bluff. Instead of saying: “You are a beautiful person, you’ll find somebody else”, say: “To be honest, I don’t blame him for dumping you”.

The Provoker: This creature has an innate ability to unceremoniously crash even the most benign conversation about homework or baking muffins to promote corporal punishment or to accuse people of being Communist-sympathisers.


The Unwitting Wanker: These creatures think they are being oh-so-clever with their continual sarcastic comments, but everybody else on Facebook begs to differ. Wait a sec...I think this is me.

Close to you

I just heard the Carpenters song Close to you.
You know, that song that goes: "Why do birds suddenly appear - every time you are near". And it never occurred to me before, but how the hell is that romantic? Birds? Constantly flocking around you? This sounds like a love song for a bag lady.

Children's television

Having a young daughter has meant I am watching children's TV shows for the first time in more than 20 years. And I must say, watching them again as an adult, a few things have become quite apparent:

1. Every character on these shows, whether they be a human, puppet, or some kind of bizarre human-puppet-uncanny valley-hybrid, are completely and utterly OFF THEIR FACES! They are stoned, wasted, high as a kite, call it what you will, but these cuddly creatures are on another planet altogether (and I'm not talking about the planet Spot). The thing is, how am I supposed to teach my kids to stay away from drugs when every show they watch looks like it was made by Cheech and Chong?

2. Bert and Ernie are gay. There is no two ways about it. They are the epitome of a gay couple. They live together, sleep in the same room and bicker like husband and wife. I never saw this as a kid. But it's so freaking obvious!

3. Representations of farming life are, like, sooo Victorian-era, man. Where are the battery hens? Where are the GM-crops? Where are the Monsanto heavies bullying mom-and-pop farms out of business? Get with the times, children's television programming.

I own a Melways and I know how to use it

One of my pet hates is when you ask someone for their address, but instead of actually telling you, they launch into a tedious blow-by-blow set of directions that take you from your front gate to theirs. This is a typical example of what I have encountered many times:

Me: So, what's your address?
Them: Okay, now where are you?
Me: Sorry?
Them: Where do you live?
Me: Um, I'm in Spotswood. I don't see how this is...
Them: Okay, well you know where Melbourne Road is?
Me: Look, I just need your...
Them: Drive all the way up Melbourne Road
Me: I don't...
Them: You'll get to a set of traffic lights, okay
Me: Excuse me...
Them: Now, turn right. But only if the lights are green, otherwise
Me: Look, please...
Them: On that road you'll see a tree shaped like a giant frog
Me: Please...
Them: Actually, there are two trees shaped like frogs. It's the second one you want
Me: Look...
Them: I'm not sure what the traffic will be like on that road, maybe instead you could try
Me: I'm getting dizzy
Them: Come to think of it, don't turn right there, go straight
Me: I need to sit d...
Them: Stay in the left lane. You'll come to a bridge and...hey, are you okay?
Me: (Whispering) Please...Melways...I..have...a...Melw...

"Hey, square-eyes, get away from the TV!"

When I was a kid my parents used to tell me not to sit too close to the TV. Apparently sitting very close to a screen was bad for my eyes or something?. But then one day a strange thing happened. They simply stopped worrying about it. Sitting close to the TV was suddenly no longer such a big deal anymore. Something happened in our house around that time that caused my parents to completely change their minds...

We bought a computer!

I was reminded of this recently because I have been reading old 1950s parenting guidebooks (just for a bit of fun) and I've noticed one common piece of advice that crops up in every one of these books: Make sure your child has plenty of fresh air. It seems like people were obsessed about fresh air back then. Which is ironic, because these days - when we get far less fresh air than previous generations - people have stopped caring about it.

It seems that as long as something is optional we should worry about it. But as soon as it becomes a necessary or inevitable part of our lives, suddenly we don't need to worry about it anymore.

Remember all the hype in the 90s about mobile phones causing cancer? (that was before everybody had one/needed one)

The Age online

I've discovered my latest hobby:

It involves going on The Age website, finding articles that allow readers' comments, sussing out what the general mood of the comments are (ie. are most comments anti-Abbott, anti-elite private schools, pro-choice, anti-pokie machines?, whatever) and then posting exactly the opposite views - preferably in the most arrogant, bigoted and ill-informed sounding way possible -
and then I sit back and watch all those left-wing pinkos work themselves into a frenzy. Very entertaining.

(Hey Zac, I reckon you'd enjoy this hobby, too)

Batts are Burning

by Midnight Oil

.

VERSE ONE:
I wish I was still singing songs
About saving the environment
My foray into politics
Aint going like I thought it would


The time has come
To say fair's fair
To set things right
in an election year
The time has come
A fact's a fact
I’m lucky to still be
in the Cabinet

CHORUS:
How can we deal with this stimulus package?
How do we sleep while our batts are burning?
How can we dance while Abbott’s campaigning?
How do we sleep while our batts are burning?

VERSE TWO
The time has come
to shut my mouth
that’s what my minders
are telling me

The time has come
to stay at home
to keep away
from the news reporters

CHORUS:
How can we dance while the electorate's fuming?
How do we sleep while our batts are burning?
Rudd made me sit in the 'naughty corner'
How do I sleep while those batts are burning?
.

Blue Chip Tea vs. Hedge Fund Coffee

I have recently switched my allegiance from coffee to tea. This decision was based on a careful analysis of several key criteria, the results of which are as follows:

COFFEE:
Heavy on the stomach
Makes me do really weird poos
Feel like a zombie when I wake up
Feel like a zombie all afternoon
Feel like a zombie pretty much all the time until I have another coffee


TEA:
None of the above


There is also another thing I have discovered since converting to tea. Tea is very predictable and safe. I have never once had a bad cup of tea. Compare this to coffees, of which I have had more than my fair share of burnt, bitter, or otherwise undrinkable brews. Coffee is certainly a gamble - there are good ones and bad ones. However, when the gamble pays off it is well worth it. For I have found that whilst a good cup of tea is quite good, a good cup of coffee is simply FUCKING INCREDIBLE!! Nothing can compare.

Which leads me to think of my coffee/tea dilemma in investment terms. A cup of tea is definitely Blue Chip. It is reliable and predictable, but generally unexciting. On the other hand, a coffee is speculative. It involves a high risk/high return factor.

I suppose at the moment I am just being a little conservative with my hot drink investments.

You know you're a parent when...

You get used to drinking cold cups of tea

You refer to yourself in the third-person (eg. Daddy is going to read you a story)

7.30 is considered a "sleep-in"

Everything is half-completed: You eat half a meal; wash half the dishes; and only watch half a movie

You forget to sign out of internet banking

You look like a nutcase humming along to Heads, Shoulders, Knees and Toes while standing in line at the supermarket

That sad and bittersweet feeling of coming to the last disc in a DVD box-set of your favourite TV show

I have a hobby. It's called "Discovering great TV shows ten years after everyone else has stopped watching them".

My latest such discovery is The Sopranos. And man, I am hooked! What a great show. Now I realise what all the fuss was about. It's just a pity that I can't share my new-found love with anyone - Mainly because everybody else already watched the show TEN YEARS AGO, became obsessed with it, discussed it enthusiastically, and then eventually got sick of talking about it. It would be like saying, "Hey guys, wanna go to all-you-can-eat Smorgies. It's rad, man! You can, like, eat as much as you want". "Er, sorry but we've, um, we've kind of grown out of that now"


However, the only down-side is the sad feeling I get when I reach the last DVD in the box-set. Up to that point I am flying through the episodes, staying up late each night, relentlessly devouring them disc by disc. But there inevitably comes a point where I open the DVD case to swap DVD number 5 with DVD number 6, only to come to the shock realisation that there is NO DVD SEVEN!!!! It is at that point that I slow down a little, watch only one episode per night, and try ever so desperately to savour what is left of the series. That is where I am now - the final disc in season one.


(EDIT: I just found out there are five more seasons after this. Whew!)

Underrated Household Items

Funnel

Lint Remover

Chair with a gas lift

Doorbell

and... Overrated:


Coasters

Fatty-Fascism

Oh, Ski Divine, is there a more delicious yoghurt available on the Australian market? Well, I have yet to see it. Oh, the taste, the creamy texture, the pure delight to the senses; and so many different flavours to choose from...Mmmm, yumm...



Until...

On a recent trip to the supermarket I was perusing the range of Ski yoghurt flavours and was just about to purchase one that piqued my salivating interest, when alas, Oh no!, I discovered there had been a horrible cover-up. What I had first thought were Ski Divine flavours were in fact Ski d'Lite!! A disgusting low-fat alternative, deviously disguised as the real thing. Oh, what kind of vile, sick, evil trick was this to play on an innocent customer, I thought. You perverse animals who work for the Ski marketing department! [Bill Hicks was right]

But wait, hang on a sec, I thought. It's no big deal. I can simply place this inferior counterfeit product back on the shelf and find the exact same flavour in the original version, can't I? Now... where is it? Hmm? No, not on this shelf, or the next...wait...haaang on just a minute...Now I can see ONE flavour in the original, but...no...c'mon...okay, let's just calm down here ...relax... ...breathe...ONE flavour! Just ONE measly piddly excuse for a flavour available in the original full-fat, full-taste, full-culinary-experience Ski Divine yoghurt, while there's, let's see...six, yes that's SIX WHOLE FLAVOURS available in the low-fat, low-taste, low-self-esteem-because-I'm-a-fat-lazy-fuckwit-who-sits-in-front-of-the-TV-all-night-and-gets-no-exercise-but-thinks-that-buying-low-fat-yoghurt-is-going-to-make-a-difference-to-my-life-and-there's-so-many-of-us-fuckwits-around-that-we've-managed-to-alter-the-entire-supply-and-demand-balance-of-the-whole-yoghurt-industry-and-pushed-the-full-fat-tasty-yoghurts-off-the-shelves Ski d-fucking-Lite tasteless crap!



Skinny people unite! Fight the power of fatty-fascism! Resist the hegemony of obese, lazy, advertising industry fodder who are responsible for the downfall of tasty food.

Apparently it's not enough that they get in our way at the supermarket, blocking aisles and creating hazards as they try to bend down in the frozen food section with their enormous asses. Now they are invading our taste buds, too! Squeezing tasty products out of the market and essentially eroding our basic freedoms.

We need to stand up to them. Come on. I just want to eat something yummy. I mean, is that too much to ask?

Debunking Melbourne Myths

:

Myth #1: Best Coffee
- If this is true I can't imagine how bad it is in other cities. Buying a coffee here is like buying a scratchie-ticket. Occasionally you do strike it rich but most of the time it's quite a disappointment. For me, finding a cafe that makes consistently great coffee is like finding an honest mechanic. You never go anywhere else. In fact, I would rather drive fifteen minutes out of my way to swing past my fave than take an unnecessary gamble.


Myth #2: Everybody wears black
- This was probably true a few years ago, but now when I'm in the city I don't notice much black anymore. It seems to have been replaced by FLURO! What's with that? And not just the girls, either. All the guys are wearing fluro, too. However, this phenomenon doesn't seem to be as as common in the suburbs; it appears to be more of a "metro" thing.


Myth #3: Terrible Public Transport
- What are you complaining about? I had to catch a train once and it wasn't so bad (would never do it again though. Hell no!)


Myth #4: Live Music
- Not anymore, thank you very much Mr. Brumby. Okay, but let's be honest, though; It's not all Brumby's fault. This is really a myth born out of the late 70s/early 80s when ACDC, Midnight Oil and just about every other legendary Australian band you can think of were playing down at the local pub. These days, all that remains of that myth is the name of a laneway and an incompetent Environment Minister.


Myth #5: We've got Trams!
- What is it with the trams? Seriously, though. Enough with the trams. It seems that whenever people mention Melbourne they invariably talk about trams. Trams, trams, trams. When I was a kid I used to hear people talking about Melbourne trams all the time and I figured we must be the only place in the world that had them. But then when I was a bit older and traveled to other places I realised this strange thing: EVERYONE ELSE HAS TRAMS TOO!!!



:

Quote of the Day

This is just one of many hilarious overheard gems from Overheard Everywhere.com
:


Girl, seeing Palestine poster: Who do you go for?
Guy: What?
Girl: You know, between Israel and um, Pakistan.
Guy: You mean Palestine?
Girl: Whatever. Which one is doing the bad stuff?
Guy: They both are...
Girl: Yeah, I can never decide.

Quote of the Day

Why is it that every clever thing that has ever been said is attributed to either Winston Churchill or Oscar Wilde?


~ Winston Churchill

Random Ideas & Observations

It is actually more expensive to dress bogan than to dress cool. Need proof? Compare the price of clothing at Rebel Sport to Savers


Promotional campaign for dog-poo bags: Slogan idea-
A poo in the bag is worth two in the bush

[EDIT: Seriously, dude. Lift your game]


Parents keep getting older and older. These days, no sooner are kids out of nappies than they have to return the favour (THIS JUST IN: 'knee-bouncing' to be replaced by 'walking-frame bouncing')